You know, this year has turned out to be nothing that I expected it to be. When I left university last year, I had this idealistic view of what my next year was going to entail: I was going to live with my bestfriend in this great apartment, we were going to do all these great things, I was going to insert myself in all these positions, etc, etc. But... like life does, this really didn't happen.
Instead, half way through the first month my roommate/bestfriend told me he is leaving next semester to NYC for an internship and that I'd have to find a new place to live for the next semester. I could deal with that. Then now he is transferring schools and things are being turned upside down. I had to move out of what I thought was the perfect apartment because of rats and bursting water pipes causing the wall to essentially collapse in my room and move into a new apartment with a quirky landlord. Through all of this, I really wanted to be that person who can look at it all with this indispensable humour and brush it off her shoulder. But I'm not. I have flickered this semester between inconsolable laughter and drinking wine and crying.
I had all these expectations that were being shattered and my life wasn't staying on the course I wanted it to. Every foundation I thought I had laid was being shifted and I freaked out. I'm not exactly proud of my assorted reactions to this year... there has been a lot of crying and general anger. But, I am writing to free myself from this and to also organize my mind. This is less of a deep introspective blog post than me trying to make sense of everything happening in my head.
Some people in my life think that when roommate/bestfriend leaves, the real Sam is going to shine on through. First of all... I'd like to meet this real Sam, because apparently I don't know her. Apparently she's been hiding all these years in some compartment in my mind, who only roommate/bestfriend has the key for and wont give me. I would just like to say this is the real Sam. The real Sam stays in on Saturday night with her cat, watches Netflix, crys, and is perfectly fine with it. I don't feel the need to be shitshow drunk every weekend, nor do I feel the need to weekday drink. What I did during one part of the year (read: summer) does not equate what I am going to do in the middle of the year. I have respect for the people around me, my health, and my life. And to me, there is an appropriate time to go out and have some fun, and I will let the people I think respect my decisions know what that is. I would hope that the people that I choose to be in my life respect this part of my personality. This year has been more than just attending university for me, this year has been eye opening and transforming. And to be honest, there are people in my life that I have a hard time relating to now because I am entering a different arena in my academic and personal life that is not the same as it was last year nor is it the same as a couple months ago. My degree is not just a degree to me, it has been this experience to me that for once, I am proud of being an Indigenous person and in all honesty, feel accepted. I feel accepted by the people I am choosing to be in my life, I don't have to explain away certain aspects of my being. My culture, my spirituality aren't up for discussing all the time to be ridiculed and now I am meeting people who are letting me grow into the person I want to be, and aren't insisting on putting me back into this definition I am growing out of. I am thankful for the people in my life who don't understand this fully, but are understanding enough to support me and listen to me when I need to talk or be there for me in silence when I am trying to figure it all out. So no, the real Sam as other people imagine her does not exist, the real Sam is still figuring out who she is... so please don't enlighten me on who you think she is... because this Sam doesn't really give a fuck. And this my friends, is honesty.
I am probably not handling this year as best as I could have, but I'm trying. I am trying to see light where there doesn't seem to be any and I'm trying to see humour in situations that are lacking it. I am balancing a lot, but that doesn't make me a special little snowflake, everyone is trying to figure out who they are. I guess, really, with everything that is happening, we all just got to have a little hope. I hope that when my roommate/bestfriend moves away we can still maintain the friendship we have because he is one of those people who I know doesn't understand me perfectly but is willing to understand enough to support me... and to be honest roommate/bestfriend is one of the most important people in my life. I have to hope that I can learn to live with myself, and I hope that some point in my life that the shitstorm this blog post is going to cause blows over (nervous laughter). I heard this quote today by Maya Angelou that said "I don’t know if I continue, even today, always liking myself. But what I learned to do many years ago was to forgive myself." So, I don't know if I like myself or some of the decisions or reactions I've made or had this year... but I forgive myself... because in the end it's ourselves we have to live with.
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